R.D. Lectern is a modern urban theorist based in Montreal. He began writing as a way of dealing with his negative body image before finding a small but supportive audience on Facebook, proving there is a place in the world for an intellectually limited but doggedly hopeful view of what it means to be alive. At press time, he remains unmarried.

“Adversity introduces a man to himself.”

– Albert Einstein

“Thanks, but no thanks.”

– Anon.

People often ask me what my secret is. Why I always look slightly less depressed than the last time they saw me. The answer is simple. Since first experiencing the shock of sobriety two years ago, many important things have been revealed to me. And now the time has come for me to be paid in cash to share what I’ve learned. 

My mind clear of moral and mental filth, I now understand that we are part of something much larger than ourselves. We are part of the unfolding of a greater cosmic organism, awakening to the ecstatic power of being a single hair on the unshaven back of a nascent starman. We are the co-creators of our own destiny, jamming it out on the universal stage with Death, Disease and Suffering. This is more than fantastic poetry; it is the language of the neurostorm as it nourishes our minds with neuromoisture. 

With this vast potential comes a crushingly vast set of responsibilities. To free ourselves from all desire, including the desire to be free of all desire. To challenge people to question the assumptions we can only assume they make. To see the world not as it is but as it could be, populated by slightly taller, better-looking versions of ourselves. To clad ourselves in armor and ardor for our impending battle with the Beast with One Back. To solve the planet’s problems with technology and creativity and the patience to wait as others do these things for us.

And patience is the key. Life is perhaps best understood as a Higher Power conducting a focus group in order to determine what it is we really want. The road is long and filled with temptation. An aphrodisiac macaroni and cheese called Kraft K’mere would probably solve all of your problems, but I’m here to tell you to hold out for more. This is the essential nature of faith.

This elevated state may take years or even lifetimes to achieve, so remember not to despair if you find yourself at the end of this particular conga line. There is a reason why writers and shamans and DJs are meant to decipher the code for the rest of our differently-gifted brethren. You’re what we fight for every single day and don’t you ever think that you’re not worth it.